This is exactly where I am at today. I had a decent day yesterday, but there was one moment that has come back to haunt me.
I was at Wal-Mart, and I stopped to look at walking canes. I have known for a while now that I need some sort of stability aide. The joints in my legs give way unexpectedly at times, and the numbness in my legs is happening more quickly when I’m standing and becoming more intense and painful. I stared at the canes for several minutes before walking away without one. Buying one would have felt like admitting defeat. I simply couldn’t do it. I didn’t give it much thought after that, until today.
Today has taken a turn for the worse on an emotional level.
I have been dealing with random twitching for months. It’s in my legs, arms, and face. Sometimes they are small twitches. Once, my leg jerked so hard that I accidentally kicked my dog off the bed. It’s one of the things I have tried to pretend aren’t a problem.
Three days ago, my pinkie finger on my right hand started twitching. It hasn’t stopped, and it worries me. No, worries isn’t a strong enough word. It scares the shit out of me.
The reasonable side of me tells me that I’m overreacting. However, there’s the side of me that likes to scream about how 5 years ago, I thought I was completely healthy and now I can’t walk for 30 minutes straight without wanting to cry. I have to rest after taking a shower, because it exhausts me. Moving from a sitting position to stand makes me feel like a feeble old woman.
Today, I am sitting in my recliner crying, because I’m scared of another serious diagnosis. Over the last few years I have been diagnosed with: panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, hypothyroidism, psoriatic arthritis, non-alcoholic fatty liver, GERD, IBS, and fibromyalgia. I genuinely don’t know how much more I can handle. At least not today.
Tomorrow I will probably feel better. But today… Today I don’t have the strength to pretend I’m okay.